thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize