How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
