So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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