They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
