she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
