You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
