I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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