she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
