So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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