there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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