I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
