if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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