mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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