I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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