Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she looked like the before picture.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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