ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize