dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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