We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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