somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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