id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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