They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So many bounce houses so little time
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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