tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize