When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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