brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize