we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Found the puke drawer
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
