I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Less talking, more tequila
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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