my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
