i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize