I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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