the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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