He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
