Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Randomize
