I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
