I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
