Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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