Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
