i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
this boner is exhausting
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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