If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Randomize
