dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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