my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
