I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
