Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
