hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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