I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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