the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize