Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
