Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize