you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize