it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
