Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize