I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
