are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
