Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
