I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
