I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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