this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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