If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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