Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
