I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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