I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Oh god it's open bar.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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