I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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