Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
