Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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