hotel room ftw
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Everclear isn't food dammit
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
