Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Randomize