It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
