I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
