if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Randomize
